If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. Thats because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, its a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny. In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, Ill share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. Ill break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means.

(1) Penis enlargements Cheap! How do they know my size?

(2) Refinance Before its Too Late Too late for what? To pay the refinance charge?

(3) Viagra on Sale Is my poor performance showing?

(4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention I wonder what thats all about?

(5) Get Your Free I-Pod Who says nothing is free anymore?

(6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose.

(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area Does that mean the KFC around the corner?

(8) E-Bay tips for Dummies Who are you calling a dummy?

(9) We have Found Your Missing Money Did you go under my sofa cushions again?

(10) Invitation From Donald Trump I get to hear Youre Fired in person

(11) Drug Rehab Center Gotta kick that Tylenol

(12) Stop Paying Taxes! And start going to prison, right?

(13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem Like getting stupid Spam mail?

(14) Great Careers Opportunity Did I mention Im retired?

(15) Party Poker Your Way Like cheating to win?

(16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.

(17) A Woman Wants You This must be from my daughter needing money

(18) Costa Rica Land is Yours Funny, I dont remember ordering any.

(19) Spanish Lottery Winner Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor.

(20) Gas Savings Instantly Should I stop eating beans?

So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the Baghdad Cruise Special I just received, is worth checking out.

Jeffrey Hauser

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree in teaching. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, "Pursuit of the Phoenix." His latest book is, "Inside the Yellow Pages." Both are available at amazon.com. Currently, he is the Marketing Director for thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.